This is the vision I have from my bed: gorgeous blue sky and the shanty houses up on the hill versus the modern buildings – the sign of a country with two faces!
Two faces or two sides of the same reality, an unforgivable moment that strikes my mind so hard, as so many other things. After a long period of mourning, I still wonder why I have had to face such fate. One day, I will certainly look back and laugh at the irony of these moments, which according to my younger son were given to me, as the key to the independence I had no courage to pursue despite my strong willpower and determination.
The fighter and rebel was hit by the unthinkable and, struck by the many lies of a dual personality – not mine of course. The PhD in science was absolutely the dumb one in routine daily life! So sad to have reached such momentum, which hampered the chances of enjoying somebody else’s presence after a search of more than three decades. However, worst of all was once again the lack of any kind of dialogue, which certainly jeopardized the dream of a life spam – again not mine, for sure. How sad!
Will God allow me a second chance? Do I deserve it?
So many questions, so much pain and a “dark”silence on a bright day! Doubts….fearful doubts, only to be broken by the hope reflected in the story of the apostle Thomas found at (http://www.leaderu.com/theology/doubting_thomas.html):
Thomas’s Pessimism and Courage
But Thomas is a pessimist. Some people rejoice to see a glass half full, but Thomas sees it half empty. Oh, he’s full courage, but also possesses a streak of fatalism. Once, when Jesus and his disciples hear about their friend Lazarus’s death near Jerusalem, the center of Jesus’ opposition, Thomas comments darkly, “Yes, let’s go there that we might die with him.” His words are almost prophetic.
Soon, his world falls apart. Thomas sees his Master arrested in the Garden of Gethsemane and he flees for his life. On Good Friday he watches at a distance as they spike his Friend to a cross on the Roman killing grounds of Golgotha. As Jesus’ life drains away, so does Thomas’s hope.
Shock and Disbelief
On Saturday he is in shock. On Sunday he is so disillusioned that he doesn’t gather with his fellow disciples for an evening meal. Thomas is dazed, hurt, bitter — and lashing out. Monday morning, the disciples go looking for Thomas and tell him what has happened in his absence.
“Thomas, we were in that upper room where we’d been meeting. We lock the doors for protection. Yet, all of a sudden, Jesus appears. ‘Peace, Shalom,’ he says. Then he shows us his hands. There are jagged holes where the nails had been. He pulls back his tunic and shows us where the spear penetrated his chest. But he isn’t weak or sick or dying. He is alive, raised from the dead!”
Afraid to Believe
“I don’t believe it,” barks Thomas. “I don’t believe a word of it. You’re seeing what you want to see. Jesus is dead. I saw him die, and part of me died with him. But he’s dead, and the sooner you accept that fact, the better off you’ll be. Give it up!”
Peter pleads with him. “Thomas, I saw him myself, I tell you, and he was as real as you are!”
Thomas is cold, with an edge in his voice that cuts like ice. “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it.”
But Thomas’s anger cools, and by the next Sunday evening he is eating with his fellow disciples in the same locked room. Suddenly, Jesus stands among them once again and speaks — “Shalom, peace be with you.”
All the blood drains from Thomas’ face. Jesus turns to him and speaks plainly, without any hint of rancor or sarcasm, “Put your finger here, see my hands.” Jesus holds out his scarred hands for him to examine. Thomas recoils. Not out of fear, really, but from a mixture of amazement and revulsion.
Jesus begins to open his outer garment and says, “Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”
My Lord and My God
Thomas is weeping now and then begins to sob out loud. Jesus reaches out and puts a hand on his shoulder. Then Thomas slips to his knees and says in awe, “My Lord and my God!”
Thomas, “Doubting Thomas,” as he is sometimes called, is the first disciple to put into words the truth that Jesus is both Lord and God. “Doubting Thomas” utters the greatest confession of faith recorded anywhere in the Bible.
Jesus replies, “Because you have seen me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
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